


am i allowed to look at her like that

by deathboytm



Category: Birds of Prey (And the Fantabulous Emancipation of One Harley Quinn) (2020)
Genre: F/F, Fluff, Renee mention, helena is simply gay and yearning, internalized homophobia type beats
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-25
Updated: 2020-06-25
Packaged: 2021-03-04 06:34:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,938
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24909259
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deathboytm/pseuds/deathboytm
Summary: A late night in Dinah's apartment. Moral of the story: pupils are snitches.
Relationships: Helena Bertinelli/Dinah Lance
Comments: 8
Kudos: 128





	am i allowed to look at her like that

**Author's Note:**

> title from she by dodie because i refuse originality in this house 
> 
> idea completely from caitlin (officiallyhitrockbottom on tunglr) cause she talked about it in detail in misg and wldnt write it herself

Helena remembers little from before, from when she was living a normal, well as normal as it could be as the heiress to a crime family, life and went to school. There was one moment she remembered very clearly though, or more so remembered how she felt, even after everything. 

A girl had caught her staring. Helena had zoned out, she guesses, didn’t even realize she was doing it. But the girl met her eyes and Helena snapped her eyes away as fast as she could. She didn’t really understand, wouldn’t for a long time, why she felt like shame was eating at her. 

Helena understood now though, more than ever as she watched Dinah cross the room to her record player. It was late. Renee had left an hour or so ago. Helena’s muscles ached a bit and she kinda wanted to sink into the couch and go into a coma. But Dinah was still quite lively, and Helena would stay up all night with her if given the chance.

They had gone over to Dinah’s and ordered take out and watched some movie Helena didn’t care much for but was content with listening to Renee and Dinah’s commentary about. They talked after and had a couple drinks. Renee left with a few grumbles about having to get up early to see Ellen and Helena decided to stay.

After settling into being a part of a team, Helena had found herself presented with a new problem. She sort of had a staring problem. A Dinah staring problem. She didn’t even realize when it was happening and she couldn’t really help it but she’d been snapped out of it and greeted with an eye roll from Renee more times than she could count.

She’d wanted the floor to open up and swallow her whole every time but here she was now, unable to tear her eyes away as she watched Dinah pull a record from her collection. She watched her hands as they slid over the cover, followed them as she lifted the lid on the record player and watched her lean over a bit to set the record down. 

Guilt twisted a bit in her chest, but she couldn’t help it. Everything Dinah did held so much beauty to her, whether it was with grace or ferocity. Dinah was enchanting and she was fierce and everything about her was so  _ much  _ Helena felt like she was drowning in it. 

Dinah was her friend, her teammate. She shouldn’t, she couldn’t, look at her like that. And as much as Helena hated to think about it, the fact that she was a woman added to the shame too. There was always some little voice, deep in the back of her mind, something that had been there for a very long time, since and even before that moment in third grade, that told her she was dirty. 

She wasn’t dirty, at least not for that reason. She knew that. But the feeling didn’t go away. 

Helena didn’t recognise the music that cut into the silence, but it was nice, and Helena felt even more sleepy. Dinah was walking back then, a little smile playing on her lips, and Helena was still okay with not sleeping. 

“C’mere,” Dinah held her hand out, wiggling her fingers a little. Helena felt a bit dumb as she just stared at the hand, her brain suddenly trying to keep up. Dinah smiled a real smile, grabbing Helena’s wrists and pulling her off the couch, Helena trying not to stumble. “Dance with me.” 

Oh.  _ Oh. _ Okay.

“I can’t dance.” Helena said, but she let Dinah take her hands anyway, her brain suddenly a dangerous mix of tired and all warm and fuzzy. 

“Just sway with me a little,” Dinah stepped forward, pressing herself against Helena’s body, their hands still linked, and swayed, Helena’s arms moving with her while she just stood there. Helena felt like she was going to combust, and then in all the chaos that her brain was, something told her to just  _ move _ , even if a little, so she didn’t look so stupid. 

So she did, swaying a little with Dinah now, her weight shifting from foot to foot, and she was glad swaying was something pretty hard to fuck up. They stayed like that, for the rest of the song, and Helena didn’t know how she survived it. Any remaining brain function was gone, with Dinah so close, pressed against her, and she smelt really good and Helena wanted to melt away. 

Then the song ended, and Dinah stepped away, keeping hold of one of Helena’s hands, pulling her down onto the floor with her. Helena was finding there was a whole new side of Dinah when you were alone with her late at night. 

Helena fell to the floor on her side with a little ‘oof’, Dinah giggling next to her. Dinah let go of her hand, adjusting her shirt, and Helena felt disappointment tug at her heart as she settled onto her back. 

“Spend late nights chilling on the floor often?” Helena asked, turning to look at Dinah, finding her watching the ceiling. 

“Oh yeah, this is a daily thing.” Dinah nodded very seriously, but a smile cracked on her face. Helena just hummed, and they fell into an easy silence. 

Silence has been easy for Helena for a very long time, but she found silence with Dinah was the most comfortable thing in the world. Just being with her. Just letting Dinah’s presence encapsulate her. 

Dinah, the way Helena felt about her and the way Dinah made her feel, was somehow the easiest and most complex thing in the world. The ache, the want to be with her all the time came easy. Being with her came easy. But dealing with what that meant, and worrying about what Dinah thought of her as, was unfairly difficult. 

She just stared at Dinah. She wished they were closer. Close enough that their shoulders were touching. Just to feel Dinah at her side. She felt very infantile all of a sudden. Immature, for wanting something so simple so bad. She couldn’t really help it, though, when it felt like Dinah had hung the moon and the stars for her. When she had never felt like this before. 

The guilt was there again, ugly and twisting, and she just wished it would let her be for a moment.

Dinah started humming, her eyes falling shut, and the tightness in Helena’s chest was gonna choke her. 

The only other time she had ever wanted to commit someone's face to memory so much was her family’s killers. The contrast made her squirm a little. That had been something so dark, and this, Dinah, was the most light she’s seen in a long time. 

Dinah, with her big smiles and her beautiful laughs and the kind of mesmerizing way she carried herself. With her sarcastic jokes that sometimes went over Helena’s head but she was never mean about. Dinah, who would check in with her and make her coffee after long nights. 

Dinah, who Helena hadn’t even registered had turned and was looking at her now. “Oh shit,” Dinah’s eyes bugged a bit, and all Helena could think was oh god, she’s fucked it up, Dinah caught her staring and she  _ knew  _ what she was thinking and- 

“Dude your eyes,” Dinah leaned forward, squinting a little as she examined Helena’s eyes. 

“Huh?” 

“Your pupils are huge! Hold on let me get a picture,” and then Dinah was rolling up off the floor and grabbing her phone from the couch and oh _. Oh.  _

Dinah tapped on her phone, and sat back down on her knees, brushing Helena’s arm, and she leaned over with her phone pointed at Helena’s face. “Damn,” Dinah said, letting her arm fall, setting her phone aside. “They’re normal again.” 

“Huh,” was all Helena could say, feeling a bit like her brain might start melting out of her ears as she looked up at Dinah. Dinah, looking down at her as she still laid there on the floor.

“C’mon,” Dinah started pushing at her shoulder playfully. “Make ‘em big again.” 

“I don’t think that’s how that works.” Helena smiled lightly, pushing back at Dinah’s hands. 

“Sure it is,” Dinah was pushing at her a bit harder now, fighting back against her revolt, a grin on her face. 

Helena tried to shy away from it, rolling away a bit, but Dinah followed her, almost kind of laying on her now as she pulled at her, laughing. 

“What are you, five?” Helena giggled, and she couldn’t really place any other time she had done that before. 

“Yes, I am,” and then Helena was flat on her back again, and before she knew it Dinah was basically straddling her, pinning her wrists down, and Helena’s giggles died out, her breath catching in her throat. 

Dinah hovered over her, still smiling a little, panting a bit, and the part of Helena’s brain that wasn’t fried thought that was a little weird because their little play fight could not have been that exerting. 

She could feel Dinah’s hair brushing her arm, and for the first time in a few minutes she could hear the music playing, a nice tune not very different from the other songs on the record. Her cheeks were burning, she could feel it, felt warm all over, and she was stuck between wanting to fight to roll away and wanting to stay like this forever. 

She didn’t feel weak, though, like she would if anyone else was holding her down like this. No one else would ever be allowed to do anything like this. But it felt okay with Dinah, scary, vulnerable, but she kind of loved it. 

Then one of Dinah’s hands left her wrist, and it came to rest on her cheek, cupping her jaw a little, and all the breath felt like it was sucked right from her lungs. Dinah leaned in slowly, like she was giving Helena an out, but Helena laid there, her eyes fluttering shut before Dinah’s lips even made contact with hers. 

Helena had never kissed anyone, as embarrassing as that was to admit. Getting into her late twenties and she had never had so much as a kiss before this moment. But Dinah’s lips were soft, validating every late night fantasy she’s had in the last several months, and she found herself leaning up to follow them when Dinah pulled away.

She let her head fall back to the floor, eyes still shut, and her brain was hyper focused on all the places Dinah’s body made contact with hers. 

Dinah giggled, soft and light, and Helena finally opened her eyes to see Dinah staring down at her, eyes sparkling.

“You know,” Dinah said as she sat up, still straddling Helena, a sly smile on her lips, “they say your pupils grow when you’re looking at someone you love.” 

“Do they?” The response was kind of absent minded. 

Dinah hummed, nodding wisely. 

“Snitching ass mother fuckers.”

Dinah laughed, loud and big, and Helena wanted to kiss her again. A lot. 

“Even without the snitching pupils,” Dinah murmured when her laughter stopped, and she was leaning over again, “you’re not very subtle.”

And later she’d worry about that, the fact that she was apparently much worse at hiding her feelings than she thought, but for now Dinah was pressing her lips to hers again, and that was all that mattered. 

The shame was still there, she thinks, but the pure euphoria of everything that was  _ Dinah  _ drowned it out. 

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading!! lemme know what u think
> 
> i will get back to working on hsau now !! itz just nice to write some other stuff


End file.
